Losing Gordie .....

In just a few days and rather astonishingly, it will be a whole year since the death of my much-loved Gordie and although I was hopeful that by this time I would be feeling much better about losing him I can’t honestly say that’s the case.   This has been the hardest year of my life which I suppose is not surprising. 

I’ve not been good at reaching out to the very people who might have made it all a great deal easier.   Most especially in those first painful weeks it was infinitely more comfortable to simply hide away, largely ignoring all attempts to reach me.  There was only one message I hoped for anyway and that one never came either by telephone, text, email, snail-mail or carrier pigeon!   It still hasn’t eventuated and perhaps that has been the hardest thing to deal with.  

During moments of whimsy when I examine whether the entire existence of Himself really is over, I wonder if he is completely ignorant of this perplexing lack of concern. Or does he somehow, somewhere feel the same pain as I do?     When living he was always a reliably more decent human being than me so I am confident he will not feel the same rage.

The virus has been a stroke of luck making a funeral impossible and rescuing me from the concern of the people who cared about both of us.   I simply was not ready to share my anger and my misery – possibly I never will be.